Growing Up!

Do you ever think back to when you were much younger, in school playing with your friends and learning how to spell, with not a care in the world? Well, I have been doing this a lot lately, and can’t help but wonder why.

When I was younger (or when we were younger), I was always so keen to become an adult – being old enough to drink, buy a lottery ticket and other such fun things(!). But now, having lived as a grown up for at least 12 years (give or take), I wonder why I was in such a rush!

My boyfriend and I moved into our first rented home together in October last year. Whilst this has been a fantastic time for us both, it has also brought to light what being a grown up really means i.e. freedom, responsibility, stress.

We are both in full-time jobs earning a decent wage, yet every month we barely have enough money to be able to enjoy the freedom that being a grown up brings. We could be going out for dinner, to the cinema, or just for a drink somewhere, but instead we have to check what money we have available until the next pay day. What’s worse, is that we both work long hours, and don’t see too much of each other throughout the week and so once again we don’t have that opportunity to spend quality time together. Of course, the time where we do see each other is made special since it does not happen too often.

Growing up also has a lot of heartache along the way. Who would have thought that finding love could be so soul-destroying. When I was 16, I was convinced that I had found the love of my life, the man I was going to marry. Better yet, he felt the same way, and when we were 17, he proposed to me. I could not have been happier! But, less than a year later, out of the blue, I had my heart well and truly broken/stamped on/crushed when the love of my life no longer wanted to be with me. I never realised how much one person could hurt me, and affect my confidence and insecurities so much. That was 10 years ago, and that hurt has stuck with me since then. Despite the fact that I am extremely happy in my current relationship, I still always have a nagging doubt in my head that I am going to be hurt again, that I will suddenly not be good enough and that he will decide to leave me. Maybe that’s something I should seek help about, I don’t know. But the fact remains, that first rejection has, and probably will always stick with me, whether I want it to or not.

Now, to end this post, I should really talk about some of the positive points of growing up!! One of the best moments of growing up was passing my driving test and getting a car of my own. No one can describe the amazing feeling of being able to have so much more freedom in your life – not having to rely on your parents to drive you places. Just grab your keys and go! This has to be one of the best parts of growing up!

Being independent. I first moved out of my parents home when I was 25. I went off to university a couple of hundred miles away, and had so many different emotions about making the move. Could I cope living away from home/how would I cope financially/what if I didn’t make any new friends? This was a great experience for me! I loved the feeling of being independent, not having to answer to anyone if I wanted to pop out and eat whatever I wanted without anyone breathing down my neck. I made so many fantastic friends whilst I was at uni, and had an absolute ball. I ended up moving back home after, until I could get myself a job and afford a place of my own. When I first moved back home, I would never have expected to meet my partner so soon after moving back. And now, we have our own place (rented for the moment), and I absolutely love it. My family aren’t too far away, which I really love. I am a big family girl, and would not want to be too far from my family, so this place is perfect! We live with my partner’s two dogs, which again has been an experience for me – being responsible for my own animals. I had pets when I was younger. but of course I always had the help of my parents, whereas now it’s solely up to us! We hope to be able to get a mortgage some day and have a home that we can actually call our own, but for the time being this is our perfect little home.

Growing up is a rollercoaster of emotions. I can only hope that as the years go on, I learn how to deal with the highs and lows, and grow as a person too.

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Feeling productive

Hi everyone!

So it’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog post, and I thought it was time for a little update on what’s going on in my life…

This week, I finally got to see my personal tutor at uni to discuss me taking a year out. All it took was completing one little form, and that was it! My year out is now official. A year out should really be an exciting opportunity for most people, however for me that’s just not the case. I have been suffering with anxiety for the last few months, with financial worries on top of that – not a great combination! So my year out is going to involve me working – when I actually get a job. I have been applying for jobs every single day since the New Year and so far have had a massive 0 interviews! I am trying to stay positive about it though, and hope that someone will just see my talent shining through and offer me work 🙂 Well, one can only dream.

With the paperwork completed yesterday, I moved all my stuff back home! Can I just say that I am quite impressed that I managed to fit everything into my room at home. I have a tiny (no exaggeration there!) room, which had bags and boxes full of my stuff overflowing in it today. But I spent the entire day organising everything, and it looks fab now!! I have to say that I LOVE the drawer organisers from Ikea – I think they are called SKUBB? You get 6 in each pack (2 of each size) for £6, so they are a bargain too. I have them in almost every drawer now and they just make life and organising so much easier. If you haven’t already figured it out, I am a bit of an organisation freak – I just like everything to have a place, and to stay in that place until I decide to move it. That’s not unreasonable at all is it? 🙂

So a very productive day was had today.

My priorities during my year out of university are:

1) To get a job and start earning a good wage. I also want to pay off some of the debt that I have accumulated from being a student! Just a heads up guys – credit cards are BAD! They are the root of all evil! 😦

2) To enjoy my own company and get to know myself a bit better.

3) I hope that I can find the love for my course again. I completely fell out of love with it toward the end of last year and just had no motivation whatsoever to continue on with it. So I do hope that will come back before the year is over. If not, I may have to re-evaluate that :/

4) And lastly, my New Year’s resolution which was to get fitter. I have been doing really well sticking to my healthy eating plan so far, just having a couple of days “off” to enjoy myself! I have a couple of exercise challenges that I am going to start very soon, so I shall keep you updated on how that goes. Me and exercise don’t usually go together, but I need to get my backside moving, so I will just have to suck it up 🙂

I know it’s not really much of an update, but nonetheless it was needed!

I’d love to know how your New Year’s resolutions are going, if you are still keeping up with them? And I would love to hear from anyone else who has taken a year out of college or university! What did you do in your year out? Travelling/working?

For now though, let me leave you with my favourite quote of the day:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a butterfly” 🙂  xoxox

Little chat..

Hi everyone,

This blog entry may be a little sad/negative, so I do apologise in advance, but I feel like I have to write this all down.

Today I missed uni…again. I have been suffering with anxiety/depression recently, which is becoming more noticeable now. I am currently at the point where the thought of going into university everyday is, not terrifying, but almost impossible to comprehend. I have spoken to a couple of my friends at uni about how I’ve been feeling, but I’m not very close to them, and feel that they don’t fully understand or comprehend what I am actually going through or feeling. I have tried talking to them about it again today, but I can’t seem to get them to talk to me about it, and am feeling very lonely right now, which only makes my anxiety worse! 😦

The thought of going to university tomorrow fills me with dread and I feel like I want to cry. This is also made worse by the fact that uni are piling on more and more work in the coming months, and will have us studying over Christmas which I personally think is pretty unfair – especially since they told us that we would have nothing to worry about until our first exam (which is at the end of January), and that we could have a nice easy Christmas break. Since then, they have given us more and more work to do though, including one presentation before Christmas, a presentation 4 days after we come back after Christmas, and a 5500 word essay! I know I have to try and force myself to go in, but it is extremely difficult.

I try to keep telling myself that I will be driving home for Christmas (“driving home for Christmas, oh I can’t wait to see those faces”) next Thursday (19th). I cannot wait for that day!! 

I haven’t been to the doctor yet about my anxiety/depression yet, for fear of being put on medication which I’m keen to avoid, but i do plan to go see them after the Christmas holidays.

Oh, in other news, I sadly did not get the job I was interviewed for 😦 So the job hunt continues! But I’m also putting that on hold until after the Christmas holidays. I don’t think Christmas is the best time to search for a job. 

I am thinking of starting a vlog soon, somewhere else for me to vent and get out my feelings, and hopefully reach out to people going through similar things to myself! So stay posted if you’d like to follow my vlog when I start 🙂

I think that is all I am going to say for tonight. I’m sorry it wasn’t a very upbeat and exciting post, but I just needed to get this off my chest and at least feel like I was talking to someone! Thanks for reading guys! x